Every person will face an emergency cleaning situation at some point in their life. Cleaning for an emergency is what you do when someone is coming over in less than an hour. You won’t be able to do much, but you must do something if you ever want them to touch your dick again. You’ve spent far too much time trying to come up with a clever follow-up text to “hahaha” for sexy times to go apart because your flat belongs in the first 30 minutes of a Queer Eye episode – Emergency CleanUp. 

A 20-minute manic clean is the least you can do if someone is coming all the way over to your place. Women will overlook a lot of decors (with the exception of Scarface posters), but they will not overlook a Mountain Dew bottle full of urine. Start with the most urgent places and work your way down. There may be junk on your coffee table, but hairs in the bathroom sink are far grosser—so start with the most urgent locations and work your way down.

emergency cleanup


The bathroom

Begin by flushing your toilet. We’d all want to think that folks who forget to flush their toilets aren’t interested in dating and so have no need for this step on the Emergency Clean Checklist, but it does happen. When you live alone, it’s easy to forget to flush every now and again. Who knows what will happen! Check it out right now.

The Cooking

Put all your filthy dishes in the dishwasher if you have one, even if you’ll have to take them out later to more completely pre-wash them. It’s also OK to just throw them in the sink. Pour some water into the sink. Soap should be added. Allow it to soak while you attend to other matters. It’s excellent if you have time to actually wash the dishes. If not, nothing smells as bad as your mother’s five-day-old baked ziti, which she dropped off at your place since you still can’t cook.

The rest of the bathroom 

Return to the restroom. The bathroom is the pinnacle of ugliness in most men’s homes, so focus your efforts here. Place a roll of toilet paper on the tube and an extra roll on the counter because you’re going to have a woman visitor. Empty the trash container in the restroom. If you don’t have a trash can in your bathroom, contact your prospective sex appointment and tell her you won’t be able to hang out tonight. 

If you don’t have a wastebasket next to your toilet (ideally with a cover, but if you’re under 25 years old, we’ll accept it), you’re not ready to have a lady over. Next, make sure you have a cleanup hand towel (we will tolerate a clean bath towel, but either towel must be clean) and soap. Women wash their hands after using the restroom, and we don’t want to dry them with the same ratty towel you use to dry your balls. Close the shower curtain and you’re fine to go in this room as long as you don’t see hair clippings or urine everywhere. Onward and upward!


Make a thorough inspection of your home. There’s no need to vacuum or dust, but if you come across any rubbish, toss it away. That includes all of your half-empty coconut water bottles. Remove them from the equation. 



Let’s get back to the kitchen! Remove the garbage cleanup and replace it with a new bag. Back inside. Check to check whether the fridge is smelling. If it does, toss out that two-week-old bag of spring mix you bought with the best of intentions. (Stop purchasing spring mix cleanup; you’ll never make salads at home.) 

If the odour persists and you can’t figure out where it came from, light a candle or reapply Febreze. It’s too late to do anything else now on her way. Just get as many dishes done as possible before she leaves. It’s better than the five pre-coital pushups you were intending on doing, believe me.


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